soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Can you bring me the toilet please
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
