Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
