is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
