I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
