I met the friendliest cop last night
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
