Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
tell me about the fingering
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
