so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
