Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize