We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
