JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
True strength comes from lack of pants
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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