you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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