im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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