nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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