if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
