When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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