I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
