Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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