The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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