just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
