So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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