My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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