So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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