Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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