I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just had sex on a roof
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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