Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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