there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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