The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
