if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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