yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
