When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
