ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
