Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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