Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
