is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
