You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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