why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
