I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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