see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
