I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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