Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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