if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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