I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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