Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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