I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
