i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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