I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
