question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
