Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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