Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
