Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
