How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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