did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
