I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize