i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
